Insomnia is one of the most frustrating things I've experienced in my adult life. It’s the hamster wheel of adulthood.
Sometimes I know my insomnia is from self induced stress but other times my mind is racing over the dumbest shit. I find myself reliving every conflict or unresolved issue or stupid decision or awkward encounter that’s ever happened to me.
I toss and turn all night until about an hour before my alarm is scheduled and suddenly I can sleep like a baby. I wake up tired and go to bed awake, like I'm living in some cruel bizarro world.
I've tried just about everything to remedy the problem:
- Work hard all day - wear myself out
- Limit myself to 2 cups of coffee per day, consumed before 11 am and then NO MORE CAFFEINE
- Stay away from sugar, especially in the afternoon and evening
- Abstain from alcohol during the work week (booze really fucks with my sleep)
- Exercise daily
- Stay hydrated (but not too much before bedtime)
- Put away my phone and the avoid the toxicity of social media before bedtime
- Don't look at back-lit screens before bedtime
- Count sheep
- Stick to a bedtime routine: wash face, brush teeth, lube my hands and elbows, read a book
- Turn on an essential oil diffuser with soothing scents like lavender and cedar wood
- Invest in bedding with calming colors in order to set the scene for awake me
- Sleep in a king size bed because I need my space
- Advil PM is too much
- Meletonin is too little
- Sleepytime tea makes me have to pee
All this fuss, and yet on so many nights I lay in bed, wide awake and thinking.
I make grocery lists in my head, or think of missed opportunities for witty comebacks, or brainstorm original blog content, or worry about being the outcast in family dynamics, or fret about being unlikable, or worry that I misspelled something in an email, or wonder whatever happened to that deer I hit 8 years ago.
The list goes on and it is stupid and it is exhausting.
Literally, the only thing that has worked is 50mg of Trazadone at bedtime (sometimes I even cut it in half). It is a prescription I received from my doctor after I spoke with her about my trouble with sleep and failed attempts to fix the issue naturally. It is not habit forming or trippy like Ambien. But the thing is, I don't like having to rely on a pill to sleep. I worry that is it not a sustainable solution but the alternative seems to be a lifetime of sleeplessness. When I take the Trazadone, I sleep through the night and I wake up feeling rested.
How do you people sleep at night?